Isn’t it interesting… no matter where you go, you will always be there. And long-term, you can’t hide from yourself. I tried. In some ways I’ve tried since my early teenage years. But it doesn’t work.
You can change jobs, change where you live, change your friends, heck you can even leave your spouse and your children, but in the end you’ll find what’s really not right is you, well, me in my case.
And that is one hard thing to change… self… The deep, meaningful, life-altering kind of change. Not the I-hereby-decide-to-be-[insert new characteristic- kind of change. But the deep one. The one on which hinges happiness and fulfillment.
Like about an hour ago. I was listening to a recording of someone performing a song. And I thought… whoa… look at that. Someone who achieved something, who touches lives, who is admired, loved, lusted after (Har Har) even, wealthy. And here’s me. But then I had to pause… Do I make a difference in my current circle of influence? Yes… Could I make a bigger difference? Yes, of course… Are there people who love and admire me? Yes… granted three of them are under the age of 8 and are naturally biased, but then I don’t have that loving/close a relationship with my father currently, and haven’t had one in a long time. Yet there they are… always happy to see me, spoiling me with hugs and kisses, forgiving me my many shortcomings which even makes them suffer from time to tome.
So what it is I am missing? A sense of purpose, a feeling of fulfillment, of achievement… But what would give that to me? I don’t know. Darn it. Why does it have to be so frigging difficult…