z’s bubbles 2

This weekend was a mess. Yes it was a short one, but still, it shouldn’t have been a mess. But it was.

It felt like every time I finally got myself to doing something, something else went wrong. There was Cora who didn’t want to be by herself. There’s my car and it’s alarm which goes off when the battery dies, which is every 12-18 hours or so. There’s the fact that nobody picks up after themselves… The list goes on…

But now that everyone is asleep and settled, that Ruth’s grill is lit (yest at 11pm), that I know my car will still start in the morning, that I am too tired mentally to start anything anew, that I can finally find some resemblance of peace.

And have some thoughts.

Over the past weeks, I’ve been toying more and more with the idea of working more freelance. My mother would scoff since I still need to finish her store which has been in works for what… 3 years now?

But it is intimidating. After all, what do I have to offer that someone else can’t do better, bigger, cheaper and quicker? It’s a tough sell. But then, it’s like that with everything… there will always be someone. And that has always stopped me. Well, not always, but many a time in my life so far: that I had this feeling of not measuring up.

As I was sitting here at my desk, wallowing in my negativity, I stumbled upon an (old) article which shall remain anonymous and uncredited about the process of a site redesign. And as the author went through the steps… I had to chuckle… That is what one calls a web-designer? It sounded more like a project manager… there was no coding, no drawing, no rendering… It all boiled down to paying someone for a graphic set, pasting it all into frontpage and calling it a day.

Unfortunately most of the images were gone by now, but the “finished product” was still there, seemingly untouched over the last 8 years as the header graphic still fit the description the author had provided.

Sad…

I do make my life and my goals a lot more complicated looking (and feeling!) then they really are.

And I don’t mean to sound condescending towards anyone mentioned above. Far from it. I am sure they all do a great job at what they provide; and that is a different aspect for each of us. Some may be looking for a hand to hold, some may be looking for eye-candy. Some just want to be heard, and some just want it to “work”…

Faith would be something that would help, wouldn’t it? Faith in myself? Faith in that it can be done?

Interesting indeed. It always comes full-circle

Today we went to the funeral of one of Ruth’s childhood friends. It was heartbreaking as Rachel left behind parents, 3 sibilings and a baby daughter.

One thing to take away from it was the power of self-esteem, be it high or low. Low self-esteem will undermine everything we do; whereas a healthy high self-esteem will multiply our strengths.

In this case, it would be safe to say that low self-esteem is what took this young woman from us and we’re left wondering what-if.

Willie’s words come to mind: treat each moment as if this is the only chance you have to make an impact in someone’s life; the only chance to tell them they are special and that someone truly cares.

Because let’s face it, most of us truly do care. We just don’t allow it to show…

Oh how I’ve missed these long weekends!!! It’s nice to be back on compressed shift. Yes, there are some challenges of course, and it will take some getting used to again, but… boy it’s nice to be away from work!!! Really nice

Today was a lot more fun than expected, and still productive

Between doing some more cleaning in the office and getting rid of some boxes, playing DOTT on Wii , the water slide, finally REALLY retiring moonrover (it had become unstable), getting the living room clean…

It was a nice day

What an overwhelming feeling of uninspiredness. It is thoroughly depressing and definitely a sign that something is out of kilter. With me…

And it’s not like nothing got done. Far from that really. The last three days have made quite a busy weekend really. But I’m not sure how much it all moved me forward. Well, it did. I already know that much, I confess.

After all, I have a desk again Yes, it’s smaller, but it’s mine. I hadn’t had one for a week and I had gotten to miss having my corner. But there is still work to do; my “inboxes” are still sitting on my nightstand in their overflowing state and there are some cardboard and filing boxes scattered about the house that need new homes. But it is a lot better than it was. That’s for sure.

Oh, and we semi-officially retired athena and moonrover. Or should I say we played Dr. Frankenstein and took bits and pieces of both to give birth to cybertron as we merged router, firewall and file-server into one…

And then there was a birthday party up North. It was good. Surprisingly devoid of stress. I took A LOT of pictures. Maybe I’ll post some of them too… Especially since Roo hasn’t yet…

Speaking of stress, the one thing that I seem to be having quite a grasp on these days is that Steven Covey moment between stimulus and response… No, I’m not gloating, and no it’s nothing all that fabulous by most people’s standards, but it’s a vast improvement for me

Yet I am sitting here feeling uninspired. So many things I want to do… read, learn, grow, draw, play… But as so often in life I am at a loss and don’t know where to start or how to start. All I can do is hope that in time I will find a way…

At least, and unfortunately, it seemed like one. It was that feeling of complete inadequacy, of being stuck, of being not good enough, of all that other garbage that sneaks into one’s thinking when that door opens even the tiniest crack…

Yup, it poked it’s nose in today. And yesterday too for that matter. And no, it never really got kicked out… Not yet. But tonight it’s a bit more at bay than earlier today or yesterday even.

What helped? Chasing Honda Civic’s on US75 in a mini-van. Yup. Always helps. It’s that old Nicolas Cage line (that is not even listed in the quotes section of IMDB for Gone in 60 seconds… for shame!). Cars and speed cure all

Now all is quiet again. And the choice of how to finish the day is entirely mine. And the choice of not letting tomorrow be dictated by circumstances (money, kids, weather, “other people”…) will be mine as well. Well I make better decisions than I have today? I hope so… We’ll see…